EVERYTIME I FIND MYSELF... IT ISN'T ME. © 2002 BY STUART ROSEN     INT. BATHROOM - NIGHT At the end of another lonely night at the bar, HOWARD enters the restroom before going home. He walks up to the urinal. As he faces the wall, someone else comes up to the urinal beside him. It is Howard as his alter-ego, THE GURU. GURU (Heavy Indian accent) Like the river to the sea, to the urinal for a pee. HOWARD Guru! What are you doing here? GURU What most men do - relax, think of baseball and read the graffiti. HOWARD What am I doing wrong here? GURU Right now, you are peeing on my shoes. HOWARD Oh, sorry. I just can't do anything right. GURU He who does everything right always ends up with nothing left. HOWARD Yeah, well I do nothing right and I end up with nothing. GURU He who does not look, sees nothing. HOWARD You know, that's fine for grand speeches, but right now I need some real advice. GURU Okay. Buy cheap, sell high, but never sell yourself short. HOWARD Just once I wish things would go my way. GURU Everything you do goes your way. HOWARD No, I mean, goes the way I want it to go. GURU So why don't you stop fighting the wind and go fly a kite!   The Guru goes to the sink to wash up. HOWARD I took Pierre's advice and all I got was a slap in the face.   The Guru is washing his foot in the sink. GURU It is like substance abuse. HOWARD What do you mean? GURU You listen to words that have no substance, you get abused.   Howard goes to the sink. When he gets there, The Guru is now just a reflection in the mirror. HOWARD So what words of substance do you have? GURU Never travel in a direction you are not going. HOWARD But what would you do if you were in my shoes? GURU I would not pee on them. HOWARD Guru, please, can't you help me? GURU If you always question the man in the mirror, all of your answers will always be backwards!   The Guru vanishes, leaving Howard alone to stare at his reflection.